...What can WE do for YOU? ...

One of the MOST common things you hear, after the loss of someone, is always “Let me know if you need anything”… Well, I’ll say this is no different when you lose someone to combat. Except you probably hear it a lot more.

It’s funny, and I’m going to go ahead and speak for two of us (my best friend, Pam—proud widow of LCpl Brian Montgomery, KIA 8/1/05--http://www.neverleftneverforgotten.blogspot.com/ or @pammonty on twitter), and myself, here, since we were just about glued to each other for a few years…

We would go out, and someone would either recognize, or bring up the topic, or one of the people we were with would point it out … Really, yes, it wasn’t uncommon for friends we were out with to go “Oh, this is Pam and Rachael…Pam’s husband, and Rachael’s fiancé were killed in Iraq”… Really, that was the introduction (still have yet to understand why, but...). So, you see, we automatically had a bit to overcome—and those words seem to come a lot.

…and we ALWAYS, even when not given a beautiful introduction like the one above…run into military, or former military….and you can't help but know there is a connection.

And yes, most of this was said in an establishment known for frosty cold adult beverages…because I’ll admit, there was some of that involved in the time after the guys were lost.

There is a Keith Urban song that says:

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

…and that just about fit it…it was a chance to let go, and try to forget reality…and then, if necessary, let the pent up emotion escape.

So we’d go out, with the expectation to forget reality for a bit, and well, end up facing it a bit more, but also, having the opportunity to make something worthwhile come out of tragedy… it started a conversation…


You'd hear “what can we do for you?”


We’d all end up talking, and it always led to “let me know if you need anything” and “Thank you so much” given to us… Pam and I, well, of course, we said thank you, but then… we told them, every single time…to let US know what WE could do for THEM (with references to our veterans, currently serving, and their families). They always seemed uncomfortable with that. But we tried to make it clear to them what we meant, and that we were sincere.

These men and women, face the enemy, head on, or even sometimes, not so much, as the enemy is unseen when you have IEDs and mortar to battle…they watch, sometimes, unable to do a thing, as their brothers in arms are wounded, and killed. They battle on, in scorching heat and making do with the materials and constraints of equipment and ROE (Rules of Engagement) call for… they face all of this, and hours and days with no sleep, uncertain enemies, and the normal stresses of life on top of it… and then when they return home, they have to wonder how to reacclimatize to life in the US---trying not to hit the deck when fireworks go off; having to remember to drive between the lines on the road, versus down the middle; having to readjust to a home life that may have evolved during the time they were deployed; and maybe having to realize that they can never have another BS-session with their best friend, because their best friend is now guarding the gates of Heaven.

These are why we say, “let US know what WE can do for YOU”… in the years since Mike was lost, I’ve been called on, for everything from a drunk text or call from an upset Marine, to a suicide threat. I’ve gotten the paranoid call from a Marine, giving me instructions on what to do if he’s missing one day. I’ve heard the self-loathing in their voices, that comes from survivor’s guilt. I’ve watched them struggle to overcome physical injuries, and to face their new reality. I’ve watched them struggle to find new jobs, to adjust to life with a girlfriend/fiancée/wife, to balance their funds, to welcome a new child. To dealing with PTSD, and the numerous ways it impacts their lives---to them admitting they need help, and can’t handle it on their own. To putting them back in touch with one of their brothers, just so they can talk things out, to put their life back on track.

To watch them struggle for the words to describe their experiences, and also, relive the day Mike, or one of their other brothers died…to convince them that there was nothing they could have done, and that no matter what, it wasn’t their fault—that the only one responsible is the terrorist who committed the act. To watching them make mistakes, and hoping and praying every night, that they are able to turn their lives around---that something will go good for them, because they’ve given so much to all of us. To simply, well, to simply just wanting them to be happy.

The hardest part is, convincing a strong warrior, to admit, that he can still be strong and also need assistance, as well. And not every servicemember needs help...everyones experiences are different and their coping skills vary. Keep in mind, for those that do need that assistance, sometimes, that assistance can be as small as an ear and shoulder over a beer… other days, well, maybe it’s convincing them that they have alcohol or PTSD issues…and even others, that their flavor of the month (aka girl) doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as them (only the best for my boys!)…

So, when you see someone, regardless of the situation…know that those words,” what can we do for you?”…. Can go both ways… and never be afraid to offer those words, especially to someone who has given so much for all of us, already, those serving and our veterans—for the words can apply to so many situations---not just deaths-- for even if they don’t take advantage of the offer, it sure does mean something to say them---but if you say them…be willing to carry them out.