An old post, from another place....but think it's still true....

Thursday, April 02, 2009

almost 4 years...and counting...a work in progress...

Ok, so people kinda started asking me about ....4 years...wow...people go to college in that amount...they become doctors...they finish enlistments...they...do lots of things...Well, as I look at the calendar, I know that we are close to 4 year anniversaries, of losing some very dear friends to some of us, in many ways...As we approach 4 years, I wonder where the time has gone...from being an innocent 21 year old, when 3/25 deployed, to where I now am...at 26...seems I had so many more plans and promise, then...a lot of me wants to be upset at where life has taken me, and the challenges that are present...but I can't be. I'm upset that none of my plans have worked out, and that there are still so many challenges to overcome...it feels kinda like beating my head against a wall, every day, to try to make things happen..and as one thing "seems" to get better, something else takes it's place...but ya know what? I can't let that bother me...all things happen in time, right?

Anyway, I digress ...what, me , off topic? NEVER... =) Anyway, I guess, what I can say is, what keeps going over and over in my head is... I miss my best friend...the man that I could talk to at any hour...was always happy to talk to me..even left me rambling messages...just cuz he missed me.. I missed having someone, to talk to about plans with...to laugh with..and to just feel at home with, curled up on the couch...doing nothing, yet have it feel like it was the whole world...But the thing is, I refuse to be sad about it. I mean, that sounds not like I mean it to. I am sad...because I'm lonely, and I miss my best friend, and the man I love. But I also, know that he is gone, and I hope with every fiber of my being, that he is truly happy, although I don't understand how he could be, without all of us, I hope he is...because to love someone, is to want better for them, even if it comes at a high cost to yourself. I know that I was so very lucky, to know what it was to have love...true love..that not everyone gets to experience in life... for that, I am blessed. Truly. I am honored that a man, like Mike, chose me...out of all the wonderful people I know are out there, to love. And I know, that even though I have my days and moments, that he has left me a wonderful legacy...one of strength and honor to continue...he is my strength...because as we remember those that are now gone, they continue to live, through each of us.

And no one get me wrong, I'm at that point, where, well, I'll admit it, I hope one day, to find another best friend...someone to make plans and a future with...and to have our lives together here, too...but no one would expect people to only have one best friend, ever, would they? So I can still be proud of Mike, and what we shared, and know that our life then, and how I've handled things after his death, have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I may not understand any of it, or even agree with it, but truth be told, that's what we have.

I hope one day, that someone else, equally as perfect, for me...cuz none of us are perfect, but simply perfect for each other, comes into my life... and until such time...I'm gonna live...with the memories and legacy and strength I was honored with...and enjoy my friends and family...and never take a moment for granted...

Thank you for your sacrifice....

Thank you for your sacrifice….big words. They mean a lot. Words I’ve heard repeatedly. Words, I’ve actually, cringed at hearing. Not because they don’t mean so much. Words, I’m actually very careful, to tell people about my personal connection to the war, because it’s so hard to hear them.

I don’t rightly know how to act when others say Thank You, to me, because Mike made the ultimate sacrifice. I’ve never understood them.

Please don’t think I don’t think anyone who has sacrificed for our nation, and freedom, and ideals, and their families doesn’t deserve them. Just call me, uncomfortable with hearing them, myself.

I have to say, I don’t honestly think that Mike would understand why the fuss over him. I don’t think he’d understand it. He’d tell you that he was just a Marine, doing his job. A job he loved. A calling...a passion…a commitment. Yes, a commitment to the Marine Corps, and per se, the job, but more so to his brother Marines. That’s who he was concerned about.

Mike didn’t ask to die. He didn’t stand up and say “yep, it’s ok with me”…he was doing his job…the same job that Marines and others serving, do day in and day out, and well, he fell in the line of duty. For that, he is honored by others. And I never want him forgotten, or that ultimately, he did make that sacrifice. But neither, do I think Mike would be comfortable with it. He would look at us, and literally go “I was doing my job. So is everyone else. Why aren’t you thanking them? They were willing to make the same sacrifice.”

At the same time, I’m so very proud of him, and all those that have served, and fallen. Sometimes, I don’t get why we make memorials to our fallen (granted, I love seeing them, too, but..)…when we could help some of those that have returned---the same men that served alongside our fallen---while they are living. I can’t help but think, that there is nothing we can do to help those that have fallen. But there is so much we can do for those that are living. I guess, I just think that’s what men, like Mike, would want. I’m not saying we shouldn’t honor the fallen, not saying that at all. But let’s not forget about those that were willing to make that same sacrifice.

Then, I have to say the same thing, for myself. When people say “Thank you for your sacrifice…” to me…I’m uncomfortable. Because it does mean a lot. But at the same time, no one came up to me and asked “ok, well, is it ok if we take the man you love with every ounce of your being, away, and make you live the rest of your life without him?” No, of course that wasn’t asked of me. I’m standing in the same position that every person has throughout history that sends a loved one to war. It’s just mine happened to be one of the ones to be forever remembered in the history books---and my heart.

When he deployed, no one asked me if it was ok if he was killed. I stood, like every other loved one, behind my Marine, and offered my love and support. Although the outcome was different, I wasn’t better prepared or offered to make, per se, a bigger sacrifice.

This is all, just what the circumstances demanded of myself, and men like Mike…we didn’t chose it. So I guess I don’t understand, especially from others that have made so many sacrifices themselves---like veterans/active duty, and their families---when they thank Mike or I… I guess I just view us as simple people, living and loving…and just circumstances dictated this was the outcome…

Point in case, I attended a funeral, for a local Corpsmen. I had known him when I was a teen—actually helped guide him in the direction of the military. When the doc was killed…I wanted to pay my respects to him, and his family for their sacrifice. Someone else I knew was there, and they told me that there was a Marine standing at the back, who wouldn’t leave his post. After all, the doc had patched him up, and he was standing at the funeral, alive, because of the Doc. There was no way he was leaving his post.

I approached this Marine. Decorated. Combat hardened. Multiple tours. I approached him, simply, to thank him for his service and his sacrifices. I thought he might need a bit of well, something to let him know we appreciated him. And I knew it was hard on him to be at the funeral, but he needed to know we were proud of him and the Doc both.

Someone, in their infinite wisdom, after I thanked the Marine decided they should tell him that my fiancé had been killed in Iraq. I have no idea why they thought it was pertinent. Why it was necessary to point that out? I was so angry, honestly, because they took my focus of thanks for the Marine and the fallen Doc, where it should have been, and placed it on me. The Marine instantly, like any Marine I’ve ever encountered, shifted from acknowledging humbly and trying to brush off my thanks for HIS service---and thanked me for my sacrifice. I’ll never understand that. Ever. He went to war. He signed the dotted line. He batted real and imagined enemies. He risked his life. I just had the honor of being loved by a man as real and honorable…and funny, as my Mike. Aren’t I the lucky one, already? Why give me thanks, when people like the injured Marine, are the ones who deserve it?

I see why people say it. I’m not saying those who make the ultimate sacrifice don’t deserve the words. I’m not saying our Gold Star families don’t deserve those words. But I’m also saying, that those who serve alongside these men and made it back home, deserve the words as well…as do their families that stand beside them.

Oh, and that while I appreciate the words, well, I guess I just don’t feel I deserve them. I’m already the luckiest woman to have had a love as true and wonderful as that between Mike and I. Not everyone ever finds that, ever. So, although it was for far to short, I’m grateful.

Extra note from some feedback I've been getting: Ok, this one, could cause some "what?" from others. I guess I may not be expressing it right. I'm just saying that I personally am not comfortable with it, with regard to myself...and that I think we shouldn't forget to thank others out there, as well, that were willing to make the same sacrifice, even if ultimately, they didn't end up making it. If this doesn't make sense, well, I do call myself the crazy brunette girl for a reason!

...What can WE do for YOU? ...

One of the MOST common things you hear, after the loss of someone, is always “Let me know if you need anything”… Well, I’ll say this is no different when you lose someone to combat. Except you probably hear it a lot more.

It’s funny, and I’m going to go ahead and speak for two of us (my best friend, Pam—proud widow of LCpl Brian Montgomery, KIA 8/1/05--http://www.neverleftneverforgotten.blogspot.com/ or @pammonty on twitter), and myself, here, since we were just about glued to each other for a few years…

We would go out, and someone would either recognize, or bring up the topic, or one of the people we were with would point it out … Really, yes, it wasn’t uncommon for friends we were out with to go “Oh, this is Pam and Rachael…Pam’s husband, and Rachael’s fiancé were killed in Iraq”… Really, that was the introduction (still have yet to understand why, but...). So, you see, we automatically had a bit to overcome—and those words seem to come a lot.

…and we ALWAYS, even when not given a beautiful introduction like the one above…run into military, or former military….and you can't help but know there is a connection.

And yes, most of this was said in an establishment known for frosty cold adult beverages…because I’ll admit, there was some of that involved in the time after the guys were lost.

There is a Keith Urban song that says:

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

…and that just about fit it…it was a chance to let go, and try to forget reality…and then, if necessary, let the pent up emotion escape.

So we’d go out, with the expectation to forget reality for a bit, and well, end up facing it a bit more, but also, having the opportunity to make something worthwhile come out of tragedy… it started a conversation…


You'd hear “what can we do for you?”


We’d all end up talking, and it always led to “let me know if you need anything” and “Thank you so much” given to us… Pam and I, well, of course, we said thank you, but then… we told them, every single time…to let US know what WE could do for THEM (with references to our veterans, currently serving, and their families). They always seemed uncomfortable with that. But we tried to make it clear to them what we meant, and that we were sincere.

These men and women, face the enemy, head on, or even sometimes, not so much, as the enemy is unseen when you have IEDs and mortar to battle…they watch, sometimes, unable to do a thing, as their brothers in arms are wounded, and killed. They battle on, in scorching heat and making do with the materials and constraints of equipment and ROE (Rules of Engagement) call for… they face all of this, and hours and days with no sleep, uncertain enemies, and the normal stresses of life on top of it… and then when they return home, they have to wonder how to reacclimatize to life in the US---trying not to hit the deck when fireworks go off; having to remember to drive between the lines on the road, versus down the middle; having to readjust to a home life that may have evolved during the time they were deployed; and maybe having to realize that they can never have another BS-session with their best friend, because their best friend is now guarding the gates of Heaven.

These are why we say, “let US know what WE can do for YOU”… in the years since Mike was lost, I’ve been called on, for everything from a drunk text or call from an upset Marine, to a suicide threat. I’ve gotten the paranoid call from a Marine, giving me instructions on what to do if he’s missing one day. I’ve heard the self-loathing in their voices, that comes from survivor’s guilt. I’ve watched them struggle to overcome physical injuries, and to face their new reality. I’ve watched them struggle to find new jobs, to adjust to life with a girlfriend/fiancée/wife, to balance their funds, to welcome a new child. To dealing with PTSD, and the numerous ways it impacts their lives---to them admitting they need help, and can’t handle it on their own. To putting them back in touch with one of their brothers, just so they can talk things out, to put their life back on track.

To watch them struggle for the words to describe their experiences, and also, relive the day Mike, or one of their other brothers died…to convince them that there was nothing they could have done, and that no matter what, it wasn’t their fault—that the only one responsible is the terrorist who committed the act. To watching them make mistakes, and hoping and praying every night, that they are able to turn their lives around---that something will go good for them, because they’ve given so much to all of us. To simply, well, to simply just wanting them to be happy.

The hardest part is, convincing a strong warrior, to admit, that he can still be strong and also need assistance, as well. And not every servicemember needs help...everyones experiences are different and their coping skills vary. Keep in mind, for those that do need that assistance, sometimes, that assistance can be as small as an ear and shoulder over a beer… other days, well, maybe it’s convincing them that they have alcohol or PTSD issues…and even others, that their flavor of the month (aka girl) doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as them (only the best for my boys!)…

So, when you see someone, regardless of the situation…know that those words,” what can we do for you?”…. Can go both ways… and never be afraid to offer those words, especially to someone who has given so much for all of us, already, those serving and our veterans—for the words can apply to so many situations---not just deaths-- for even if they don’t take advantage of the offer, it sure does mean something to say them---but if you say them…be willing to carry them out.

Blog Name

Ok, so Rachael's Ramblings didn't quite seem appropriate for some reason, because I do plan to be more "concise" than my normal ramblings (we'll see if that happens!)...

So, thought this was appropriate for the current focus I'm thinking of...

Anyway, here is the explaination:

Mike wrote me an email, about 2 weeks before he was lost...telling me about his unit's first casualty....and this is what he said to me ---

“That was the strange part; you don't drop everything and go home when people die or get hurt. You still have your mission, and you can't run away and give the enemy the chance to do it again.” ~ Cpl Mike Lindemuth, USMC

And so, that's what I've been trying to hold onto...when I spoke at his funeral (which I hadn't planned on doing)...all I could get in my head was this email...so I read it to everyone...and I asked them to find their mission...whatever it was meant to be...and make it happen... that was my challenge, and Mike's urging, to them....complete YOUR mission...

Every person that falls, well, a piece of them lives on, every day, through each and every person that knew them...so in theory...they never die...because their legacy lives through each of us...

The reason I haven't updated...

It's been a long time coming...but as you can imagine, it's an interesting position, to be young, and involved in something, intimately, like war... or more rightly stated, losing someone you love so much, to war...

I once read an article where someone in a similiar position, except not to war, describe herself as a "widow without having ever been a wife"...now, I won't claim to be a wife or widow, since I was neither...but I definately see where she was coming from.

I've hesistated to write much, in public, because I've been afraid that others would take something I said, not in the intent it was meant, and that I would somehow make it worse for someone experiencing a similar loss...or that somehow, someone out there would think that a Marine's girl is anything but tough and strong, like the man that loved her....well...I've come to realize, maybe that's exactly what the world has been waiting for...someone to speak for those, that my best friend, herself a Gold Star Wife, once said "for those that don't have a voice"...the unheard of fiancees/girlfriends of the fallen...we know there is a difference, but the technicalities don't make the love shared, any less...


Anything I say here is, completely of my own opinion, and no way warrants or represents anyone else...it's just me...

Oh, and for the record...I'm VERY proud of My Marine...My Love... Always will be...love never dies...and also, for the record, I'm so lucky to have known such a true love...not everyone gets to experience that in their life...so although it was far too short here on earth, I am very blessed to have known such a love...and I wouldn't trade the limited time I had here with Mike, for an eternity with someone else.... Love is eternal.

Special Remembrance to all of our beloved fallen, but especially to the 48 Fallen Marines and Corpsmen of the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines ... KIA 2005 Iraq

...Fallen, but NEVER forgotten... ALWAYS in OUR hearts...

PROUD SUPPORTER OF OUR TROOPS & VETERANS & THEIR FAMILIES

There, got the intro out of the way! =)

I liked this!

I know a celebrity! Really....

Ok, so I found this Sunday night/Monday morning, and very excited about it, still. This is the one that was brought home with Mike's stuff.....Mike, if you're not aware, is the front, center, Marine! Oohrah!

Marine Corps Times interview with Sgt. Maj. Estrada
Posted : Tuesday May 1, 2007 16:11:26 EDT

The following is a transcript, edited for length and clarity, of Sgt. Maj. John Estrada’s interview with Marine Corps Times. He spoke to the newspaper on April 23, two days before leaving his post as sergeant major of the Marine Corps

Hardest part
[Nearly 750 Marines have been killed in combat since Estrada became the sergeant major of the Marine Corps in 2003.]
The hardest thing for me has been seeing Marines and their families when going to visit Marines in the hospital. That’s the hardest thing. They’re young, their lives have been changed forever. The whole time, I only ran into one angry Marine family.

There is a poster that we have with me here that we took. Every time someone looks at that poster, I always point out the one Marine in the center. He got killed. I signed a poster and gave him a coin. He was with [3rd Battalion, 25th Marines]. He got killed. Those things like that has been the hardest. (He's talking about Mike!)

I will say I pain inside. I don’t show it because I know that’s why Marines joined. Not necessarily to die, they joined to go kick somebody’s butt. But I pain for them and their family every friggin’ time I read the casualty report. I pain every time because, s---, they could be my kids.

Sean Carroll. Lance corporal. I’ll remember him to the day I die. He was in a coma for a long friggin’ time. I would go to the hospital and there was no progress and it was always the same and I’d speak to his mom and dad at the foot of his bed. About the fifth week, I was at the hospital and said, “I’m not going to go downstairs because he’s still the same. I’m going to go ahead and leave.” And I walked to my car and I said, “I’m not going to do this.” I walked back in and went downstairs. I’m talking to his dad as usual at the foot of his bed and that day, he woke back out of his coma.